I was going to start this post with an explanation for my lack of writing sooner. I'd come up with an elaborate excuse that I was giving myself time for the news to sink in so I could make a true evaluation of how I feel. In all honesty, pregnancy has really taken it's toll on me this week and my energy levels have been at an all time low (probably need to up the iron intake!) which is rather annoying as I'm suppose to be in the 'Oh my look at her, she's glowing' stage.
So Wednesday evening arrived and I was beyond excited. Dave had the next four days off work (a very rare thing as some of you will know), we had childcare planned for Oliver while we went to the scan and we had planned to have a lovely family day together on Friday. My excitement was short lived as Dave came home from work complaining of stomach ache and Oliver became increasingly grumpy as the day drew to an end. His grumpiness was explained a few hours after we put him to bed when he woke up and started being sick. Cue lots of late night cleaning and a toddler who wakes every hour through the night wanting his mummy. What a nightmare! By the time Thursday morning arrived, Oliver and I were exhausted and Dave still had stomach ache. There was no way we could ask my brother and his partner to look after Oliver now he was contagious and extremely grumpy. Dave suggested that I go alone to my appointment while he looked after Oliver. While I wasn't thrilled with the idea, I was even less thrilled at the thought of having to rearrange my appointment or leaving Oliver with anybody other than Dave.
So there I lay on Thursday afternoon, just me and the sonographer in a dark room, looking at every inch of my baby. In that moment I didn't care whether it was a boy or a girl, I was just so in love. I love scans for that very reason, those precious moments seeing your unborn baby and wondering who they are and what they'll be like. Rather than finding out the sex of the baby on my own, which I really didn't want to do, I asked the lady if she could write it down in a card and seal the envelope so that Dave and I could open it together when I got home, that way we could still have our moment together.
When I got home Dave's stomach ache had all but gone and Oliver was almost back to his usual self (typical). We waited until we had a calm moment and the three of us were together. We stood in our little kitchen and Dave opened the card, he was taking far too many seconds to tell me the result so I had to see for myself. 'Baby is a boy' the card read. I didn't really have time to gauge the boys reactions as I was too busy jumping around and squealing. My joy only lasted a few seconds as my squealing had scared Oliver and made him cry and it was time to get on with some tea anyway, we'd have to process the information later.
Since that moment it feels like the information has taken a while to sink in properly, and it still hasn't. I spent nine months pregnant with Oliver having no idea whether I was growing a little boy or a little girl. This time, I know that I'm growing and nurturing another little boy, another son for Dave, a brother for Oliver and another little grandson for my parents to dote on. It seems a really big concept for me to grasp. I still have to correct myself when I talk about 'it' instead of 'him'. There are also unexpected emotions that have come along with knowing the gender of our baby, although I'm glad I can deal with some of these now rather than when I have post labour hormones raging through my body.
One of the main emotions that set in almost instantly was guilt. I'd made no secret of the fact that I wanted another boy but Dave had hinted that he'd like a girl so he could have one of each, that's the way he'd seen our family being completed. I'd always said that if we had a boy and a girl then I'd probably want a third child because part of me just really didn't want to be a boy girl family. Now we know that we will have two boys I feel like our family will be complete. I know that obviously Dave will be fine with the fact that we are having another boy because when your baby is born it doesn't matter what they are! Part of me feels that perhaps if we hadn't found out the sex then I wouldn't spend the rest of my pregnancy carrying that guilt.
Other than feeling guilty I'm so glad we decided to find out the sex of our baby. It's lovely knowing what we're having. I find myself daydreaming about what sort of brother Oliver will be to him and how they will play (or fight) together. Sometimes it's a little overwhelming, I wonder if a girl might of been easier for me, Dave and Oliver are both big characters with big appetites and if this little one is the same then I'm going to spend the next few years being very busy keeping them all fed, clean, happy and out of trouble, but I absolutely cannot wait.
Finding out we're having another little boy is brilliant and I honestly don't think I could be any happier. If anything it has made me more impatient to get to the end of this pregnancy and welcome the little guy into our family!
Thanks for stopping by folks. I hope you have a lovely weekend.
Nisha x
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